Overachieving and Wellbeing

I take wellbeing seriously. Sometimes the closest I get to balance is being extreme in all areas, but for the last year or two I have been trying to be intentional about taking care of myself so that I can better care for others. So I was thrilled to be accepted as part of the AAFP Physician Wellbeing program, and happy to have a chance to attend their annual wellbeing conference. And as soon as I arrived, (well, after I got over feeling like I didn’t fit in, but that’s another story) I hit the ground running. I found myself doubling up on the morning activities, like going for a run after the yoga group or after the mindfulness walking group. They gave us a notebook for recording our thoughts, and by the fifth day, I was over 90 pages in. I had plans to discuss with Greg and plans to journal about my thoughts and thoughts for the future.

We were swimming and biking and walking and eating well. They told us that we could skip sessions if that was what we needed for wellbeing, so we also took some afternoons to go watch the sunset on the beach and to have tea in a local tearoom. And we made the most of the large soaking tub in our room. I was learning a lot, keeping active, and resting well.

By the end of the conference, my left eye was no longer twitching (I had worked myself into a nervous tick before we left), and I had a lot to think about in terms of letting go of perfectionism and allowing myself to take time off. I was excited to apply new techniques, ordered a couple books, and downloaded a couple apps. I was ready to hit the ground running as a new and improved, more well me.

Well, I did okay for the first few weeks, partly because I was away from most of my work. I was staying at a friend’s house and relaxing most of the day except for when I was focusing on one project. I was exercising and resting and eating well and keeping balanced. Well, there were a couple long days when I forgot to take a break, but overall I was doing well. For me.

Then we returned to Malawi. I tried to be intentional about working fewer hours my first days back. And I did ok for a few days. But I’ve started to notice that I start out working 8 hour days and end up with 12 hour days, start out finishing work by dinner and after a few days I am still going at 11pm. My eye started twitching again.

I started trying to track my wellbeing, giving myself points for stretching and resting. This worked well for me, I’m good with numbers and goals and it’s easier for me to track my wellbeing or make time to be intentional about it. I still have days where I work longer than I plan or don’t rest enough, but it gives me an excuse to get myself back on track. I almost took a vacation day last week. I think I will get away for a vacation next week. We’ll see. But I’m trying. And one of these days I’m going to try to help others with their wellbeing.

Fitting In

Normally when I attend a medical conference I quickly feel that I am among people like me. Especially global health conferences or primary care conferences, I feel like I am surrounded by people who think like me and have similar goals. So that is why it was so shocking when I arrived in Naples, Florida and felt like an imposter. This was a physician wellbeing conference, of all things, and I spend a lot of my life trying to fight my intrinsic workaholism and model wellbeing. I was so happy to be here, and in fact had applied to the physician leaders in wellbeing program two years in a row and committed to fly back to the US a record three times in 12 months to fulfill the requirements of the program. So I was shocked that I arrived and felt like an imposter.

People talk about imposter syndrome often in medicine; it is the concept that despite her training a doctor can feel like she is an imposter simply impersonating the doctor that she is trying to be. In my case, I felt like an imposter in this fancy hotel and at this conference. Maybe it was because this was the most expensive hotel we had ever stayed in (not that we paid that much, the AAFP subsidized us), but even so, that was a lot of pressure. Maybe it was because just a few days ago we were handling the pressures of Malawi – people living on less per month than the simplest meal int his hotel costs. Sometimes I feel like a live a double life, like I have to flip a switch as soon as I touch down on my home continent. It takes a different time for me to adjust to the culture shock each time, and needless to say, the few days before this conference were not quite enough to make me feel quite at home.

Whatever the reason, I started out at this conference feeling like I just didn’t fit in, and like someone was going to find out. It didn’t help that I was one of just a handful of people wearing masks, and I was very conscious of the fact that I only had one nice pair of pants and one decent jacket leftover from residency, other than that, all I had to pack was jeans and running shoes. But thankfully it only took me a day or so to start feeling like I fit in. It was really sweet, one conference attendee complimented my jacket one day and another complimented my jeans the next day. I found a group of attendees who gravitated around the tea stations and sat next to a group with roots to Hawaii. I connected with a good friend attending the conference and made some new friends along the way.

So by the end of the conference, I was feeling a lot better. To be honest, I didn’t really feel like we easily fit in until we checked out of the fancy hotel and into the cheapest hotel we could find in Naples as a stopover before visiting our friends. That was when we started feeling like it was easier to belong, to be in our element. The trip brought us some fun experiences, and I’m learning a bit about myself as we flit from one setting to another.

Much Needed Rest: Monthly Update

My right eye developed a twitch in mid-March. It’s small enough that most people can’t see it, but I have felt the spasm constantly since. I know exactly when it started – as we were rushing from a gardening club meeting to a speaking event on a Saturday morning. Even if I looked calm on the outside, I was almost sick with worry inside at the time. In the past when I was stressed I have had moments of eye pain or muscle spasm, and I certainly had plenty of stress at the time this one started. There was an intense, once a year workload accounting for a grant in California, and as soon as those reports finished up, I jumped full-speed into application for a second, larger grant.

I worked until 10 or 11 most nights, excited about the opportunities but unable to relax at the end of the day. I was working twenty or thirty hours more per week than my ideal. We briefly fostered a high-energy dog. We had a missionary from Pathways coming and going and planning a training for pastors.

There were visa decisions and COVID certificates, traffic-stopping public demonstrations and car trouble. There was also an outbreak of polio in Malawi, the first case in the country in 30 years and on the continent in 5 years. I found myself on the forefront of offering vaccine advice to local doctors and parents, but as measures to eradicate the disease went into full swing, the questions and concerns forwarded to me multiplied. Oh yes, and we are also trying to decide whether to buy our first house, a condo as an investment/rental property on the other side of the world.

Even the patient visits to my office seemed more than I could handle recently – twice as many patients coming in to see me than I had space for in appointments, and some of them quite sick. Usually, my patients recover well with some lifestyle changes or new medications, but these weeks I had patients who needed admission for an entire week or weren’t improving on the highest doses of medications (for more details, see malawimillers.com.)

I realize now that my patients were recovering, that each day in the hospital brought them closer to wholeness. But at the time, I felt so much stress because I wanted to do more and I wanted them to be healed right away. Even our clinic motto says “We treat, God Heals” but sometimes I struggle not to carry everything on my shoulders. I knew I was out of balance, but I had trouble figuring out how to let go and how to rest. All the while, my eye served as a constant reminder that things were out of balance.

So that’s why this week is so amazing. Greg and I finished what we could and handed over the rest and flew to the US for the next month. We enjoyed our first true down day in a long time. Then, we meet the parents of our good friends who blessed us incredibly. Finally, we arrived at a conference for physician well-being. For the next few days, Greg will relax in the room as I dive into conference sessions about letting go of perfectionism, learning to set life-giving boundaries, and rediscovering the joy of pursuing my mission.

Overall, I’m learning that everything doesn’t rest on my shoulders. That’s easy to realize when I see that I can be away from my patients, away from our ministries, and things are still okay for a month. I am also learning that the more I am well, whole, and balanced, the more I can pass healing on to others. My eye is still a reminder of the toll that long stressful days caused, but I think I am starting to notice an improvement after just my first few days in this environment of renewal.

This month, please pray for us as we try to rest and re-set, and that my eye will continue to get better. Pray that our 10-year anniversary can be a special time. Please pray also for the partners and ministries in Malawi, and for a quick sorting of visa issues before we return. Oh, and please also pray that my eye gets better!

Thank you for your prayers and support!