Dec 2020
For the past 20 days, I’ve rested like I’ve never rested before. Forget not going out, I barely left my bed. I wasn’t too sick, but I didn’t want to risk lower oxygen and long-term damage to something. Besides, I wasn’t motivated – I could achieve nothing for days and I didn’t even care. I connected with people on short phone calls, but I was ready to cut them off after a few minutes and go back to sleep. For a while I was afraid that I would lose my drive long-term, that essence of who I was that related and achieved. Well, I think that might have been an unbased fear. Looking back, I think I was just over-achieving at resting and trying to get better. There were little things that might have been a hint – meticulous participation in my daily tea subscription club and reading entire books in a day or two. Now that I am feeling completely healed, I am starting to re-emerge into the world. Actually, it might be coming at me so fast that it is a little overwhelming.
For the past 4 nights, I’ve dreamed that I am having full conversations with people with my eyes closed. This morning I actually woke myself up reaching up and pulling my eyelids open so that I didn’t offend that dream-person. I take longer than usual to fall asleep because I am thinking about all the things to do in upcoming days. I literally had nothing to do for weeks. Now I have 2 talks, 3 grants, a 40th anniversary for my parents and a trip to see my in-laws planned. There are also opportunities to help with things in Malawi from a distance: a friend with a sick child, a website to advise expats for stay-at-home health, an Nkhoma Disaster Preparedness Committee surging back to life with this new wave of COVID. I’m glad that it looks like I am ready to rise to the occasion. But I think now I just need to make sure that I am intentional about transitioning gently back into a vibrant, social and productive life. Apparently attempts at going from a vegetative state to full-speed ahead seems incompatible with good nights of sleep.