Packing Light

I’ve been practicing packing light. Well, in some ways. All my clothes and toiletries and books for this trip would fit into a medium-sized purse. If you count my box of teas and chocolates, it would still fit in a large purse or medium basket. But I suppose you can’t count just clothes and toiletries. I did pack a yoga mat, and an extra pillow, and two blankets. Our friend Roberta had visited this lodge last week, and told us that the nights and mornings were cold. So we didn’t want to take chances and packed triple jackets and indoor slippers. Greg brought a flashlight, some charge cords, backup power, and a device to pump his own car tires using the plug from the car. Turns out that we needed that.

We brought three phones, partly because I had shattered my screen last week and we hadn’t been able to transfer everything to my new phone yet. We knew that there was no reception at this place, not unless we climbed to the top of a nearby hill, which we did a few times, like when I remembered that I forgot to notify some patients to come pick up papers at the clinic.

We brought dozens of water bottles, it wouldn’t do to be dehydrated. Our friend told us that this place provided hot water for tea, so we brought a flask to keep water hot longer, and I always travel with an extra teacup, I like using a cute little one instead of the big mugs they have around.

I forgot bug spray, but Greg brought it. We figured this place would have towels, but we brought our own toilet paper and soap just in case, which we didn’t need. We were “self-catering” which means that we paid half-price for the vacation experience but we would find our own food. We brought a pizza with us from a 2-for-1 deal in town before we left. I also brought lettuce, dressing, fruit, and yogurt. We planned to order meals off the 7-item menu while we were there (much cheaper than ordering full board) but I wasn’t taking chances with going the full time without veggies. Lucky for me, that also provided leftover Tupperware to store leftovers from the delicious food we ordered.

We arrived early and checked out early. We enjoyed the place with the sound of the river and the big moon and the quiet. There were no other guests while we were there. But after a relaxing night of going to bed early and waking up early, drinking about 10 cups of tea, and finishing my book, there was not much left to do.

The Vacation We Needed

Sometimes it’s stressful getting ready for a vacation. I feel like I have to finish up all my work so that I can stay unconnected while I’m away. For some reason, this time, the emails kept coming in even at 10 pm the night before we left. It had been a full day, with meetings and then driving out to a village to do a teaching. And the morning before we left, I felt the need to stop in at ABC for a clinician conference, and then run the dogs so they didn’t have too much energy. By the time we finally left, I was already tired and definitely ready to get away.

The trip was easy, as easy as driving in Malawi usually is. Lots of potholes and an entire portion of the road diverted to some flooded wet areas, but we arrived in good time. It was lovely arriving at our friends’ lake retreat – blue skies and open lawns for lounging. We just relaxed outside the first afternoon. But I was already feeling a bit of anxiety about the next day. Would we snorkel? Would we take a boat to the island? What about kayaking or bike riding or jogging down the road or walking down the beach? Leave it to me to stress out about how we vacation.

That night, it rained heavily, and then the rain continued throughout the next day. We did walk down the beach, and I did a workout on the deck overlooking the water, and I read a bit and drank a lot of tea and ate a lot of snacks. But we didn’t do much. We planned to leave after the second night, but the roads had flooded with all the rain. Our friend invited us to stay a third night, so we got a bonus day at the beach – this time enjoying the sun sparkling on the water.

We still didn’t do much, we were fully in relaxed mode at that point, so we listened to the water and read and lounged on couches in covered areas. We stayed out of the now blazing sun, we fought to keep ants away from our treats. By the end of the third day, I was running out of my treat stash of chocolate and tea that I brought with me, but everything else was idyllic. Greg and I were finally able to talk through some things like plans for the future. I read a couple novels. We ate dinner with our friend. We enjoyed the sun and the shade and the bliss of not having to do anything. I napped. We went to bed early. And when it was time to leave, we were rested, and the roads were passable.

It wasn’t the vacation we planned, but it was definitely the vacation we needed.

Breaking Point

I broke yesterday. Just really shattered in heart and mind and spirit. It had been a long week, lots of deadlines and not much sleep. It had been a long day, 90 minutes driving into the village and on muddy roads. The teaching went well, really well I think. But lunch had been late by an hour so Thoko had asked me to keep the teaching going. We answered all the questions about the training, and then we sat and answered everyone’s health questions for an extra hour or so. I liked helping people, but there were some things which were hard – a baby who wasn’t growing well, a man who needed an inhaler and the local hospital couldn’t find one for him. We talked with Thoko afterward, and made a plan to see which people we could help. Our money was stretched thin, we were running out of cash. We had to decide together who could be helped and how.

And then we started driving home. Nixon told us to take a different road from usual because the rains had washed out our usual path. Then we got lost. As roads turned to maize fields and things looked more and more familiar, I felt like I was hanging on by a thread. It wasn’t just things in Malawi which were difficult right now. Last night, I learned that a dear friend was critically injured from an unexpected accident. She was going in for a second surgery today, and the trauma team still didn’t know how things would turn out. I unconsciously touched the ring hanging on the necklace around my neck. I wear a copy of my brother’s ring every year around this time, a reminder of the fragility of life, a reminder to focus on what is most important.

And then I get a message from my one of my missionary friend’s husbands. “She’s in the hospital. She collapsed on the road.” I text him that we are driving back from the village and I can’t get to the hospital to see her right now. I try to call her. Neither of our words get through. Then I run out of minutes to call. A motorcycle crashed into her car. She collapsed from the stress. I could relate; I was starting to lose control of my own stress reactions.

The road was difficult, jarring us every meter or so. And we still weren’t sure we were on the right road. I had forgotten my lumbar support pillow and my chronic back pain was acting up in addition to everything else. Greg finally said something, an innocent comment about how difficult driving was right now. That was my breaking point – I just started wailing. I couldn’t take the pain and uncertainty in my closest friends, friends I wanted to help but was far away from. The feeling of being lost, the feeling of being overextended, the feeling of being jarred by the road and pinched physically and emotionally and mentally. I simmered to a whimper, apologizing to Greg every few breaths.

I want Greg to feel like he is allowed to express his frustration. I know that I shouldn’t rely on his strength so much that it is all that is holding me together. I try so hard to build rest and resilience into my life. I want to be there for my friends. But I myself was breaking at that moment.

In the end, we found our way and got back home. Hours after we planned, but safely home. Interestingly, it was the call of another friend along the road that helped. She wanted to discuss another community training. We had planned to meet tomorrow. Her call gave me a chance to say that I was overextended. Could we meet another day? I wanted a chance to rest tomorrow. Things didn’t get better all at once. But little by little we got through the crisis. My other friend was discharged from the hospital. We brought her kids pizza. We called the daughter of my other friend, the surgeons weren’t saying how the procedure went, but at least she was stable. I stayed up late again, but I submitted some projects by their deadlines, and I made plans to take space away from certain work the following week.

I don’t like the hard times. I don’t like admitting that I hit my breaking point in spite of all my attempts at boundaries and margin and rest.But this isn’t an easy road we tread, and sometimes the sickness hits close to home.